‘Where are you going?’ my neighbour asked whilst entering her house as I was leaving mine. I was going to meet fellow survivors of child sexual abuse at an event. They, like me, had shoved aside their anonymity to share their most painful experiences in news clips, published articles, speeches - anything to break the … Continue reading How Society Silences Adult Victims of Child Sexual Abuse
Blogs
Why Is It So Hard To Speak Openly About Child Sexual Abuse?
The office was as dull as the weather outside, grey walls, grey desks. My colleagues and I chatted about nothing as we pulled phones, chargers, snacks, out of our bags for the day ahead. Then as I turned on my computer, a wrecking ball of vitriol flew out of the screen, slamming into my chest … Continue reading Why Is It So Hard To Speak Openly About Child Sexual Abuse?
Happy Christmas?
Having a German parent resulted in me having two Christmases each year when I was a child. The first began with me shivering with excitement rather than cold during a family walk after dark on Christmas Eve. We returned to the festive chimes of our Weihnachtspyramide and warming smell of Adventskranz candles, and our large … Continue reading Happy Christmas?
The Discomfort Of Compliments And Shame
Recently I embarked on reading my diaries from start to finish. I began writing when I was twelve so my journey will take a year and a half reading at my current speed of one month a day. My motive is to reacquaint myself with memories that the trauma monster kicked out of my mind … Continue reading The Discomfort Of Compliments And Shame
Is Sexually Abusing A Child Forgivable?
He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love Martin Luther King Jr. We’ve all seen those short, inspirational quotes encouraging us to lead better lives. However well meaning they may be, the ones promoting forgiveness make me feel angry, hurt and belittled. You see, I'm unable to … Continue reading Is Sexually Abusing A Child Forgivable?
Unanswered Questions
It was a short and unremarkable tweet that drew my attention to just how many unanswered questions many victims of child sexual abuse carry. Flicking through my imaginary biography, paragraphs thick with guilt and shame have been cut out by those who betrayed me, naively thinking I wouldn’t notice. And whole pages are missing where … Continue reading Unanswered Questions
Why I Didn’t Tell
I was six, maybe seven years old. I was in my bedroom with my favourite dolls carefully arranged in the houses I’d made for them out of shoe boxes. Their furniture and belongings were made from cardboard, odd bits and bobs and plenty of imagination. But I wasn’t playing with them. Instead my grandfather was … Continue reading Why I Didn’t Tell
How To Normalise The Abnormal
I've written this piece for the 'Survivors Of Abuse' campaign to raise awareness of grooming. I will never know what went on in my grandfather’s mind, but this is my interpretation of his thoughts from things he said and did. I apologise if you find this uncomfortable to read. There’s nothing really wrong with it. … Continue reading How To Normalise The Abnormal
Examinations………Internal Ones
Many victims of child sexual abuse find internal examinations particularly distressing and can freeze, have panic attacks or disassociate. But to me, whether performed by a man or woman, they are as stressful as popping into a local shop to buy sweets. Once I even fell asleep whilst lying half naked waiting for one, such … Continue reading Examinations………Internal Ones
Dirty DNA
The first things to go were objects that he'd touched. I couldn't hold any of them without washing my hands afterwards in a vain attempt to wash him away, his dirt, his crimes. Photographs followed. But I didn't just cut out his images leaving a hole as a reminder of my abhorrence of him, each … Continue reading Dirty DNA
Swept Under The Carpet 